Trying to Navigate Through 50 Shades of Meh

It’s been over a month since I’ve been inside a shop, and that was at my pharmacy as I signed a request for an urgent med refill.

My husband and I are doing our best to be as safe as is possible during this pandemic outbreak. While I’m lucky to have him here with me at home, we’re both noticing challenges in our motivation these days. He’s doing better than I am, what with having a full-time job to keep him focused. I’m glad because it grounds him, and it keep us steady, financially.

As for me, well, I’m no stranger to working from home, and being disabled in the ’burbs without decent transit means I’ve been self-isolating for years. Even still, I find my attitude has gone from super-vocal activist to oh-whatever-people-are-clueless-and-we’re-doomed-anyway. The news is so demoralizing, what with treating disabled people, seniors, and chronically ill people as disposable, then showing the dickheads who think staying at home is a socialist plot to impend their freedoms. (You know, whenever I see losers protesting a virus, in my head I hear, “We want the right to die! But to get our haircuts first and then die! Because FREEDOM!”) Sigh. It’s amazing the human race has survived this long, to be honest.

I said on social media that my get-up-and-go must not be practicing social distancing, because it feels like it got up and went. Hope it’s wearing a mask at least. I’ve really tried to keep busy these past six weeks, but I find myself going into the “why bother” spaces:

  • I’m publishing several series on the Spoonie Authors Network—why bother?
  • I started writing my next book—why bother?
  • I’ve put together a gentle exercise routine at home—why bother?
  • I’m editing a book for a client—why bother?

While I know it’s important to keep my mind and body active, I find myself wanting to just be a Cait Burrito in bed and binge-watch series on streaming services. (Btw, I loved Schitt’s Creek, Shtisel, and Making the Cut.)

Last Saturday, I created a little colour-coded schedule to help give my executive function a leg up. It looks cute at least. And I did some editing today, which is good because I’ve flatlined with work these last few weeks. (I’ve an extremely understanding Spoonie client who told me to relax for a bit.) So, I got some work done, but I still feel bleh.

I wrote over 11,000 words in Iris and the Crew Tear Space a New One, but I still feel bleh.

I was able to do certain exercises that I couldn’t do for years, but I still feel bleh.

I guess I just don’t feel excited about anything right now. Maybe I’m not supposed to be. Maybe I’m just supposed to be gentle with myself, and if I need to be a binge-watching burrito for my mental-health’s sake, then dammit, I’ll be that burrito.

There’ve been several memes out there with this message: You don’t have to be productive during a f—ing pandemic! True. I’m really not there right now. Maybe when the weather is warmer, I’ll want to write while sitting on my deck, or play in the dirt of my garden, or chat with my baby tree, Leanie.

But today, I’m just trying to navigate through the 50 shades of meh. And I’ve nothing inspirational to offer as a solution to get out of it. I also don’t want any advice on the matter. (I have a therapist, so I know to reach out if I need to.) I guess I just wanted to share that this is what I’m going through right now. Because it’s okay to say we’re not okay. We’re living in a not-okay situation.

Oh yeah, and Nailed It! is also good for a laugh.

Stay safe, fellow humans.

Cait Gordon, in a black and white digital sketch

Cait Gordon is a disability advocate who wants everyone to pummel that curve!

She’s also the author of Life in the ’Cosm and The Stealth Lovers. When Cait’s not writing, she’s editing manuscripts and running The Spoonie Authors Network, a blog whose contributors manage disabilities and/or chronic conditions. She also teamed up with Kohenet Talia C. Johnson to co-edit the Nothing Without Us anthology in an attempt to take over the world.

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