Arr Ess Dee, A Poem

My Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) has sent me into a tailspin this morning, so I wrote a poem about how it feels, as one does! Please note that these are just my own perceptions while in this headspace.

Arr Ess Dee

I’ve been inside the funnel
the tailspin, the cyclone
and I can’t get grounded
I can’t feel the ground

Refuse, garbage, disposable
Unworthy, failure, trash
There’s nothing redeeming
Whirl, whirl, whirl, whirl, whirl

I know my heart can be kind
My brain, it tries so hard
To show my love, to help
But my timing’s wrong

I learn, then fail, learn, then fail
Can I get it right?
Processing all of it
Swirl, swirl, swirl, swirl, swirl

Afraid to ask if I’m loved
Afraid I will to lose you
I stay in the funnel
It’s better this way

Rejection feels imminent
Cast off, cast away, cast
No chance of redemption
Whirl, whirl, whirl, whirl, whirl

I remain in the cyclone
Wishing for rescuers
Hoping beyond all hope
That person will be…

…myself.

Arr Ess Dee © 2021 Cait Gordon. All rights reserved. No part of this poem may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without permission except in the case of brief quotations in critical articles and reviews. For more information, contact Cait Gordon.

Greyscale headshot of Cait Gordon wearing a dark shirt.

Cait Gordon is a Canadian autistic, disabled, and queer author of speculative fiction that celebrates diversity. She also co-edited Nothing Without Us, a 2020 Prix Aurora Award finalist for Best Related Work. When not fine-tuning manuscripts, Cait advocates for disability representation and is the founder of the Spoonie Authors Network.

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