My Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) has sent me into a tailspin this morning, so I wrote a poem about how it feels, as one does! Please note that these are just my own perceptions while in this headspace.
Arr Ess Dee
I’ve been inside the funnel the tailspin, the cyclone and I can’t get grounded I can’t feel the ground Refuse, garbage, disposable Unworthy, failure, trash There’s nothing redeeming Whirl, whirl, whirl, whirl, whirl I know my heart can be kind My brain, it tries so hard To show my love, to help But my timing’s wrong I learn, then fail, learn, then fail Can I get it right? Processing all of it Swirl, swirl, swirl, swirl, swirl Afraid to ask if I’m loved Afraid I will to lose you I stay in the funnel It’s better this way Rejection feels imminent Cast off, cast away, cast No chance of redemption Whirl, whirl, whirl, whirl, whirl I remain in the cyclone Wishing for rescuers Hoping beyond all hope That person will be… …myself.
Arr Ess Dee © 2021 Cait Gordon. All rights reserved. No part of this poem may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without permission except in the case of brief quotations in critical articles and reviews. For more information, contact Cait Gordon.
Cait Gordon is a Canadian autistic, disabled, and queer author of speculative fiction that celebrates diversity. She also co-edited Nothing Without Us, a 2020 Prix Aurora Award finalist for Best Related Work. When not fine-tuning manuscripts, Cait advocates for disability representation and is the founder of the Spoonie Authors Network.