Category: Autism

beautiful calm coast dawn

Mini-NonFic Monday: Processing Noise, Seeking Stillness

On By Cait (like Kat) GordonIn Autism, Mini-works Mondays, Spoonie challenges, This blog's postsLeave a comment

Genre: Nonfiction

In the stillness there is contentment. Less processing of sound and more flow of thought. I’m more at peace here, devoid of noise. Although I have no idea what totally quiet means. Even when voices aren’t present, there’s the hum of the fridge, the lamp timer softly ticks, and the fan of our furnace is constantly having an opinion.

Even so, amid the ever-present sound, I can sometimes feel the stillness. It comes from my own self. I like to communicate quietly. Someone in my past told my parent I was mute. I had to learn to be boisterous, feeding on the energy of my extroversion, copying the delivery I heard from comedians. Discovering what stuck and what bombed. Eventually, my humour was my own. I would be the life of the gathering. People got excited when I entered a room because they knew I would be entertaining.

I never had the chance to know what it would be like to be a non-vocal extrovert. For some reason, speaking out loud is important to so many people.

I would have loved to have learned signing as a child. Then, I could express my humour while being silent. The lack of voices would have made me feel calmer too, and I’m sure the banter would have been amazing.

I don’t understand ASL, but even without knowing the signs, I love watching the movements of the conversations. It soothes me. The facial expressions make me feel so engaged. Where I live now, they speak with their vocal chords and almost completely free of emotion. It makes me feel sad. I guess I prefer quiet communication with loud emotions.

My relationship with sound has always been complex. It can seduce me or repel me. I can be hard of hearing and acutely hearing at the same time. Voices often elude me. They get buried underneath all the other noises in the room.

Music has always been a huge part of my life. But I can love the drums yet go into a panic over repetitive patterns. Perhaps controlling the beat and varying it with riffs and rolls makes it okay in my brain. Whenever I was in a band whose musicians didn’t bother listening to each other, I felt tormented by the ghastly intersecting of sounds that didn’t go together. I would often lose my temper or beg them to stop playing, not understanding how they could be so calm amid the chaos.

Today though, I’m alone. It’s my day to control how much noise I hear. I don’t have to speak out loud for hours. This is paradise. A temporary visit to Innisfree. My only regret is that time is passing too quickly, and I will have to use my voice soon.

I wish people understood, even in my own family, how much stillness I need.

Because it dials everything back.

There is beauty in still moments.

If only they didn’t have to be so fleeting.

Processing Noise, Seeking Stillness © 2023 Cait Gordon. All rights reserved. No part of this work may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without permission except in the case of brief quotations in critical articles and reviews. For more information, contact Cait Gordon.

A greyscale close-up of me, standing in front of a blank background. I am a white woman with short silver hair cropped closely on the sides. I am wearing dark metallic rimmed glasses with rhinestones on the side. I’m wearing silver hook earrings with flat beads and a plaid shirt.

Cait Gordon is an autistic, disabled, and queer Canadian writer of speculative fiction that celebrates diversity. She is the author of Life in the ’Cosm, The Stealth Lovers, and the forthcoming Iris and the Crew Tear Through Space (2023). Cait also founded the Spoonie Authors Network and joined Talia C. Johnson to co-edit the multi-genre disability fiction anthologies Nothing Without Us and Nothing Without Us Too. 

Featured photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

It’s Autism Awareness/Acceptance/Celebration Month, and I’m writing an autistic protagonist in my new WIP!

On By Cait (like Kat) GordonIn Autism, disability advocacy, This blog's posts, WritingLeave a comment

Let me begin by admitting that I totally forgot it was that month. I say it this way, a bit jaded, because April is often a battleground on Twitter between Autism Mom Warriors and/or autism organizations and/or autism “professionals” trying to speak over adults who are autistic. Sometimes it’s even autistic adults who have formal diagnoses going after those of us who are self-discovered. (To be clear though, there are also many, many diagnosed autistic folks who are overwhelmingly supportive of those who are prevented from getting a diagnosis. And for the most part, autistic culture validates self-discovered or self-Dxed people.) But yeah, because I quit the Twitters, I just plain didn’t remember it was the month of autism awareness, acceptance, and celebration.

Which is kinda funny because at the last second, I decided to participate in Camp NaNoWriMo to write “the awkward space opera romance nobody asked for” known as Hot Wings and Sauciness. Something in my subconscious must have remembered something about April because my female protagonist is a feisty autistic and disabled 50something. (Honestly, I have no idea where I came up with that notion…cough…) Anyway, I’m having fun going back to my absurdist humour roots, but even after the first seven days of writing this character, something cool is happening to me.

I feel really empowered.

It must be something akin to unmasking when an autistic author writes an autistic protagonist. Because my self-confidence is boosted (I know, please run and hide) and my identity is affirmed. Autistic folks can be romantic leads! I also have a romantic subplot in Iris and the Crew Tear Through Space! that starts in “Episode 3: Herbie Tries to Flirt.” And that was cathartic for me to write as well. Even though I purposely have no cited diagnoses in my Iris and the Crew series, I did reflect my neurodivergence onto Herb and a couple of other characters.

But Colleen O’Donnell in Hot Wings is written differently. (Why, it’s almost like we autistics are not a monolith!) I think I’ve just slammed my foot on the gas for this lead. She’s from Earth in the not-so-distant future, so it’s not an idyllic world-building. And this gives me a chance to vent some feelings through her about disability and acceptance. But, it’s funny too. Well, it’s absolutely ridiculous at times. Humour is a great vehicle for storytelling. It’s my fave, really.

I also find with ripping off the mask comes untold freedom, whether in real life or through characters. And honestly, with so many non-autistic folks thinking they know people like me, but who really do not, if I don’t represent myself on the page, I will just shut down.

My voice deserves to be out there, not held back.

I have no idea if I will ever publish Hot Wings and Sauciness, but I am so glad I’m giving it a whirl. As with several of my short stories and especially with Iris and the Crew Tear Through Space, I am writing for myself first. To soothe my spirit through storytelling. That has to by my priority. It’s self-care and self-love. Then, if I feel ready, I will happily invite others to come along for the ride by putting it out in the world.

For now, I am just going to enjoy celebrating my autistic self, by creating art. It feels like the right thing to do.

A greyscale close-up of me, standing in front of a blank background. I am a white woman with short silver hair cropped closely on the sides. I am wearing dark metallic rimmed glasses with rhinestones on the side. I’m wearing silver hook earrings with flat beads and a plaid shirt.

Cait Gordon is an autistic, disabled, and queer Canadian writer of speculative fiction that celebrates diversity. She is the author of Life in the ’Cosm, The Stealth Lovers, and the forthcoming Iris and the Crew Tear Through Space (2023). Cait also founded the Spoonie Authors Network and joined Talia C. Johnson to co-edit the multi-genre disability fiction anthologies Nothing Without Us and Nothing Without Us Too.

Featured photo by FWStudio on Pexels.com

seashore under white and blue sky during sunset

The freedom that comes from saying, “I can’t.”

On By Cait (like Kat) GordonIn Autism, Health, publishing, Random stuff, Spoonie challenges, This blog's posts3 Comments

CN: Mentions of mental illness, ableism, disability symptoms, and toxic environments

As a person who manages a chronic pain and fatigue disability, I’ve had to constantly “push through” my discomfort in order to have any semblance of a life. Sometimes I have aids like my mobility device to make things much easier on me, but even then, a rollator cannot take away my fatigue, pain, or complex post-traumatic syndrome disorder (cPTSD).

We disabled people are often subject to incredibly annoying and frankly obnoxious inspiration-porn stories about “overcoming.” Someone overcomes their mental illness or disability or whatnot and then this line is hurled at us: “So, what’s your excuse?”

My excuse, buddy, is shut the eff up.

Disabled people are not put on Earth to inspire you. Sorry to burst that bubble. And we are not a monolith. There is diversity of disabled experiences, even within the same disability. So maybe just try learning a thing about our community instead of telling us to suck it up. Because one of these days, we will collaborate and construct a high-tech yeet machine and have you visit the sun.

But back to my reality of “pushing through.” When one lives with a chronic condition, the line gets blurred about when one should just stop an activity or back away if a situation is causing one harm. It’s so easy to tolerate more mental and physical burden than I should because hey, it’s something I always do, right?

Except under no circumstances should I subject myself to further harm of my bodymind. I need to train my brain to act sooner.

There are so many “motivational” memes about saying “I can” to things, we forget the power of “I can’t.” We forget the freedom that “I can’t” brings.

Put up with gaslighting? I can’t.

Put up with being overly scheduled? I can’t.

Put up with a toxic environment? I can’t.

Put up with anyone or anything causing me harm? I can’t.

When I declare the “I can’t,” I’m really saying, “I won’t.” I use the word can’t because in my brain, it means, “I cannot allow that anymore.”

And when I act on the “I can’t,” a huge weight is lifted from my shoulders.

I tend to be someone who is a helper. That’s my nature. I’m told time and time again in therapy to remember to put myself first once in a while and not deny myself the things that bring me peace and joy. I’m a freelance editor and while I love making books shiny, I have to save time for my own writing. I am an author too. Writing stories is one of the most important salves that soothes my mental illness. In fact, I wrote The Stealth Lovers during a year of constant panic attacks, and it doesn’t read that way at all. It’s funny. And that’s because when I write, it’s like a protective dome drops over me that blocks out my stresses, and I just live in my world-building for a time. Speculative fiction is a godsend for me.

I have dedicated over a year to the Nothing Without Us Too anthology, which I love to pieces and am gobsmacked by the talent of our contributing authors. However, my writing got put on hold. So, while I am thrilled to promo this wonderful collection, I have to make my own works a priority.

So, “I can’t” create a work-life where there’s no space for my creativity.

Social media (SM) has offered me the chance to connect with so many wonderful folks, especially in the disability and neurodivergent communities. The ability to use SM and messaging to chat with people is an accessible form of getting together, which has saved my life during this pandemic era. But, as many of you know, SM can really mess with your mental health. I also think because I am autistic, I cannot be pummelled by too many opinions at once. It’s really difficult for my brain to parse through all that, and it becomes too much.

So, I can’t continue doomscrolling or even staying online for too long. I have to reconsider how to use it and who I want to follow.

Publishing has opened doors for me these past six-plus years. It’s been one helluva adventure. And again, I have met so many humans who have enriched my life. Have I ever learned so many things! Attending conferences and participating in and sometimes moderating panels have offered such an opportunity to grow, network, and make friends who share a love for books! Yet, sadly, in every circle, there can be people who maybe aren’t so healthy to be around, or who are outright hurtful.

So, I can’t align myself with publishing folks whose attitudes don’t lift others up or whose egos and entitled behaviour get in the way of creating a thriving and inclusive community.

In conclusion, saying “I can’t” is kind of awesome.

I highly recommend it.

My wish is for you to give it a whirl as you reflect upon your own life.

I bet you can!

(See what I did there?)

Cait Gordon is an autistic, disabled, and queer Canadian writer of speculative fiction that celebrates diversity. She is the author of Life in the ’Cosm, The Stealth Lovers, and the forthcoming Iris and the Crew Tear Through Space (2023). Cait also founded the Spoonie Authors Network and joined Talia C. Johnson to co-edit the multi-genre disability fiction anthologies Nothing Without Us and Nothing Without Us Too.

Featured header photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I was interviewed by Ada Hoffman as part of their series about autistic authors, taking place this April!

On By Cait (like Kat) GordonIn Autism, Interviews, This blog's posts1 Comment

Canadian speculating fiction author and poet Ada Hoffman interviewed me as part of their series on autistic authors, taking place during the month of April. We discuss Nothing Without Us, autistic representation in fiction, and what it’s like to be an autistic author in the publishing world!

You can find the interview here. I highly recommend following the series!

You can also follow Ada on Twitter!

Cait Gordon is a disability advocate who wants everyone to be wise and think of others as we battle COVID-19!

Cait is also the author of humorous space opera novels Life in the ’Cosm and The Stealth Lovers, and she is the co-editor of the Prix Aurora Award nominated anthology Nothing Without Us. When Cait’s not writing, she’s editing manuscripts and running The Spoonie Authors Network, a blog whose contributors manage disabilities and/or chronic conditions. Her latest new adventure is hosting the In the ’Cosm podcast, which is really an excuse to gush over authors she admires.