I smell like two people! Or, how I write sex scenes.

Relax, all you authors and writers of erotica; your jobs are safe. Nobody will accuse me anytime soon of trying to steal your thunder. Not by a long shot.

This week I confessed to my publisher that no matter what genre I try to write in, everything comes out silly. I said, “I think my genre is Silly.” My publisher feels it’s a perfectly acceptable genre. I like this person.

bowchikawowowBecause I love writing with humour, I just had to extend it to our most vulnerable space–the bedroom. While sexual activity can be mind-blowing and magical and filled with fireworks, sometimes the clunkiness of life and the quirks of people can take it to a different place. A ridiculous place, really. I know in my life some of my biggest laughs with my spouse have been in bed, when things haven’t gone to plan. Yet, those odd, imperfect moments always created a deeper intimacy between us. Made everything a bit more real, and somehow a bit more perfect.

If you’ve not read Life in the ’Cosm, then warning, spoilerishy things are imminent

As most of the book was a stream of consciousness, I didn’t limit where I went in my writing. I got the first two chapters down, and then opened chapter three with:

Self-gratification was not an easy task in the flat.

Okay, so we’re going with masturbation in this scene, I thought, refusing to delete what I’d written. It made sense. My protagonist had been longing for someone he literally couldn’t have and the poor guy was ready to explode. I gave Virj some release, but not without adding a little mortification to the mix. (You never know where Splot is slithering, or when Sonny will barge in with breakfast questions.) A beta-reader loved that scene and told me they could totally relate to Virj’s embarrassment.

Later on in the book, there’s that infamous moment when you’ve had too much to drink and only just realised you’ve slept with someone but have no memory of it:

She paused again, frowned, lifted the sheets over her head, and inhaled deeply. Then she screamed on top of her lungs.

“I SMELL LIKE TWO PEOPLE! WHY DO I SMELL LIKE TWO PEOPLE?”

A valid question. We all know our personal perfumes, so when a foreign scent is blended with ours, we’d obviously like some answers. In my life, I’ve often said after a passionate tryst with my beloved, “Gee, it smells like two people who love each other.” Because doods, it truly does smell like two people! Amirite???

Also, sometimes there’s that gloppy sensation:

She shifted her position and immediately pulled a face. “Ew, I’m so goopy down there. When did you last masturbate, in your teens?”

Again, a valid question, if you cannae remember anything from the night before. Am I the only one who feels this way?

I loved adding the awkward things about sexual activity. It made me laugh, and I think it made my readers laugh, too. We can relate to the embarrassing, smelly, and goopy side of sex because that’s often what it’s actually like. Not every sexual encounter is a well-choreographed dance that ends in simultaneous orgasm. The films might want to have us believe that, but I think we writers need to tell the other side of it from time to time. We need less, “She was enthralled by his throbbing love-wand,” and more of, “OWWW! Get off my hair!”

Or is it just me?

Watching people work through those clumsy moments makes them more endearing to me as a reader, too. I don’t want to roll my eyes at the sexually unattainable. I want to laugh with empathy. I want to say, “Oh, heck, yes, I totally get it.” I want to see the sexy in the awkward, because people are still desirable when they’re goofing up. Maybe more so than when they’re suave, in my opinion. I want to make love to a real person, not a robot.

Unless it’s a cute and clumsy robot who blushes and reads poetry. I’d have to mull that one over.

Anyway, here’s to klutzy sex! Sláinte! (Raises cupcake in a toast.)

/cg

CGAuthorCait Gordon is an Irish-Canadian warrior princess and author of Life in the ’Cosm, a space opera about a little green guy who’s crushing on the female half of his two-headed colleague (Renaissance Press). Cait’s also the editor of the Spoonie Authors Network blog.

 

Review of Life in the ’Cosm, by Author Jamieson Wolf

The following is Canadian author Jamieson Wolf’s review of Life in the ’Cosm from his post, Best Books of 2016. Thanks, Jamieson! We can’t wait for your upcoming Lust and Lemonade this spring!


Life in the ’Cosm by Cait Gordon

20161123_135849_hdrThis isn’t your typical boy meets girl story.

Virj Ofreesin is writing a fantasy novel. In it, the girl he loves is in love with him* but can’t have him. In reality, she is actually part of the Dwa species, two sharing one body, able to spend eternity with their soul mate.

Though everyone from his gay dads to his sentient daisy Sonny and his Ovum, Splot, tells him that it will never happen, Virj isn’t one to give up on his hearts desire. He had loved Frayda for three years. He won’t stop loving her just because everyone else is telling him that it can’t happen. The heart knows no limitations.

Then he meets Noola. She’s annoying, constantly chipper, a total klutz and dresses in eye watering sparkly clothing. She is also living in the same complex as [Virj] and happens to be the new editor at his office. Virj wonders how his life could get any worse.

When he learns that the Dwa Frayda and Jobie are ill, he agrees to fly to a planet in the middle of a war zone to retrieve a mystical plant that only grows upon its soil. He is congratulating himself on his bravery…until Noola says that she is going with him.

Armed with his tablet and his thirst for sweets, Virj is a man on a mission.

Life in the ‘Cosm is an intergalactic joyride of epic proportions. Laugh out loud hilarious, touching, endearing and wonderful don’t do it enough justice. The book was a joy to read from start to finish. The characters were awesome and had so much depth to them. Yes, this is a sci-fi novel but one with heart, verve and warmth. I loved this book so very much and can’t wait for Virj and Noola’s next adventure!

  • Ah, but is Frayda in love with Virj? Read for yourself, peeps! ~Cait G

Beyond the cupcake.

If you don’t know me, then you might not grasp how shocking the title of this post is. Anyone who’s encountered me on social media or in real life knows that I love cupcakes. My erotic fantasy is Ewan McGregor giving me a come hither look while holding up a tray of assorted gluten-free, vegan fairy cakes. (He can even walk away and leave the tray of cakes, really.)

But as much as I love icing, there’s more to me and my writing than that.

Life in the ’Cosm: not just cake in space

When you write a book you’re also tasked with some self-promotion. I normally would add this tagline: Life in the ’Cosm, a story about love, adventure, and dessert. Or, I’d call it a comedy sci-fi with an unusual amount of cake. beyond-the-cupcake

While my book is funny (I know this because people have told me), and my protagonist Virj Ofreesin loves eating sweets, the story goes beyond the cupcake. Even though every character is made up, a lot of different feelings I had went into the book.

Because I hadn’t planned to get published originally, I wrote without limits or expecting anyone to read it. So, I went down a few roads that I wanted to explore:

  • Discrimination against LGBTQIA people by para-religious organisations.
  • Truly gracious spirituality versus religiosity.
  • Gender fluidity and changing preconceived gender roles.
  • Diversity in sexuality.
  • Dealing with disability.
  • Cyber affairs.
  • Chasing fantasy to the exclusion of those who truly love you.

If you haven’t read the book, you’re probably thinking, This is a comedy? If life has taught me anything, it’s that even during the heaviest and deepest moments, something happens that makes me laugh. My darkest moments also have included some of the funniest memories. I think seeing the humorous side of things has kept me alive.

Warning: an expressive extrovert lives here

Writer Amy M. Young called me an extroverted tornado, but she admits that I am extremely introvert-friendly. So, I have that going for me. Whoot!

While I like to talk about cake and can do it forever and ever and ever, I will get passionate about issues that matter to me. One of the reasons my writing includes characters who are gender-amazing and/or are more than cishet (cisgender and heterosexual) is because the majority of my close friends can claim one or several letters in the LGBTQIA acronym. What they endure matters to me, and even though I’m cishet myself, I really want to include gender and sexual diversity in my books. To me, it’s a reflection of real life.

Because I also manage a disability, it was important to me to include a character in Life in the ’Cosm who deals with one, too. She is also feisty to a fault, and robustly sexually active. You know what? We who live with disabilities like sex. Yet, it’s often thought that it’s taboo to think of us that way. (See my post in the Spoonie Authors Network blog called, Sexy and disabled: yes, you can be both!).

So, I often use my creative writing, non-fiction blogs, and social media statuses to discuss my viewpoints in these areas.

(Btw, if you’re wondering why I didn’t include people of colour as part of my creative writing, it’s only because almost every single character is a different colour from each other. In real life, I am very pro ethnic and racial diversity. Heck, I grew up in Montreal, Quebec. It was like having the whole world in one city!)

So, yeah, and stuff like that.

Anyway, just wanted to share a wee bit o’ insight into my own character. But please do not interpret this as my putting cupcakes as a lower priority in my life. I can love people and be an activist and an author while eating dessert, too. I can multitask, you know.

Hm. This post’s made me hungry. I think I need to merge some ingredients now.

Later, peeps!

/cg

CGAuthorCait Gordon is an Irish-Canadian warrior princess and author of Life in the ’Cosm, a space opera about a little green guy who’s crushing on the female half of his two-headed colleague (Renaissance Press). Cait’s also the editor of the Spoonie Authors Network blog.

Breast Lump: The Sequel

(I’m not a doctor, so please don’t take this article as a substitute for medical advice. This is my personal story. Always consult with your physician and/or specialist. Cheers, Cait.)

Well, I was planning on keeping this to myself but Carrie Fisher died yesterday and what I admired most about her was her shamelessness at putting everything out there. So, for you, Carrie, you awesome writer, you, Imma do the same.

Fifteen years ago, at 32, I’d just found out that I couldn’t have children, but I could have a ginormous lump in my left breast. I went from thinking my boobs would be feeding a small person, to nope, and to maybe I might not have one of my boobs after all. I felt frightened into a new dimension. So many thoughts crashed into my mind at once, and I automatically entertained the worst ones. During that time, while scared shitless in a surgeon’s waiting room, I opened Douglas Adams’ Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I’d never read it before and laughed my head off, to the surprise of the staff and other patients, I’m sure. My laugh travels like a comet crashing into a planet. It’ll make you jolt.

In late summer of that year, I had a benign fibroadenoma removed. That’s a cyst like a rubber ball. It had to be taken out because sometimes they can grow too big and take over the breast. I was relieved but still shaken. This is a shaky-up-thing no matter what the results.

boobs

Yesterday while lying in bed and doing a self-exam, I felt something on my right breast. Now, I’m deep into perimenopause but can still get periods. I know that depending on the day of your cycle, your breasts can feel differently, including any cysts. So, was this the result of the hormonal collision between PMS and peri? I didn’t wait to find out. I saw a doctor this morning and got a requisition for an urgent mammogram and ulstrasound. I thought, Great. Here we go again.

I’ve been having regular mammograms since I was 32 because of my family history, fibrocystic breast condition, and dense breast tissue. Encouraged by doctors, I did regular self-exams so I’d learn what my normal feels like. By the way, I don’t know who the lunkheads were who said not to do these exams. Knowing your body is crazy important. While I have been good with my mammograms, a ton of health issues over the past two years has made me forget to check myself out. Fortunately, I’ve enough of an understanding of my boobs to know what irregular feels like.

On my coffee table rests my comedy sci-fi, Life in the ‘Cosmwho several people have compared to Adam’s style. It’s the same genre anyway, but with more dessert. Anyway, the sight of my book made me cry. Would it be my last? Yes, I went to that place. It’s good to confess your worst fears, I think. Better than bottling them up.

Welp, in honour of the sequel to my first lump, Imma keep writing the sequel to my first book. My Chromebook and I just talked it over and we think it’s a good idea. I have no clue what my future will be right now, just like the characters in my books. (I never know what the heck will happen to those peeps.)

But I have made one decision. If the diagnosis is such that my breast is going to be removed, I want reconstructive surgery.

And instead of a tattoo of a nipple, I want a small cupcake.

At least I’ve my priorities sorted.

/cg

CGAuthorCait Gordon is an Irish-Canadian warrior princess and author of Life in the ‘Cosm, a space opera about aliens with issues (Renaissance Press). She’s also the editor of the Spoonie Authors Network blog.